Masking vs. Unmasking: Finding My True Self as an Adult
Navigating authenticity and self-discovery on a neurospicy journey
For most of my life, I didn't realize I was wearing a mask. It wasn't until I became a parent of neurospicy kids and began exploring what it meant to be neurospicy myself that the concept of "masking" became crystal clear. Masking, the process of suppressing or hiding behaviors, traits, or emotions to fit societal expectations, is common among neurospicy individuals. For adults like me, who've navigated life without awareness, the toll can be profound.
The Heavy Mask of Work
One vivid memory stands out from my career—a massive system outage. Thrust into a situation far beyond my expertise, I masked heavily. Only my CTO knew how close I was to quitting. To everyone else, I projected calm competence, pretending everything was fine, even as the weight of responsibility crushed me.
Internally, I spiraled into feelings of inadequacy. "I constantly felt unworthy. I felt like a failure because everyone was depending on me," I recall. Anxiety manifested physically—I experienced severe leg cramps that prompted urgent medical checks for blood clots, a family risk factor. Sleep became elusive, intensifying the anxiety and exhaustion.
Research validates these experiences, showing masking can lead to severe emotional and physical stress, including chronic anxiety and burnout (Hull et al., 2017).
Masking in Social Situations
Social masking was equally exhausting. Early in adulthood, social interactions felt like navigating a minefield of unwritten rules. One night, at a gathering of acquaintances, masks dropped around me, revealing blatant racism. Unable to confront the hostility safely, I shrank into a corner, quiet and invisible, until I could escape. That moment haunts me still, not only due to their bigotry but because my silence left me feeling complicit.
Masking in social settings can feel protective, but it's isolating. Research has noted that neurospicy individuals often engage in mirroring behaviors—mimicking social cues to blend in (Mandy, 2019). Unfortunately, this mirroring sometimes backfires, deepening the sense of alienation.
Parenting and the Pressure to Mask
Early parenting brought its own masking demands. In parent-teacher conferences, I initially hid my anxiety about meeting societal parenting expectations. I feared judgment for our family's "different" way of being. Over time, thankfully, the environment improved as educators recognized and accepted our neurospicy reality, reducing the need to mask.
Yet, masking as a parent had higher stakes. I worried that counselors or teachers might misunderstand or negatively assess our children's needs if I revealed too much of my genuine uncertainty or unconventional approaches. Ultimately, I learned masking in parenting could inadvertently harm my children by denying them full advocacy and authenticity from their parents.
Unmasking: Moments of True Self
My best friendship marked a turning point in my journey toward unmasking. Building genuine safety with another person took intentionality and vulnerability, but the payoff was extraordinary. For the first time, I felt deeply understood without judgment. "Eventually, those little steps built up an incredibly big mountain," I reflected, highlighting how trust and mutual acceptance were transformative.
Indeed, psychologists emphasize that secure relationships significantly aid neurospicy individuals in safely unmasking (Pearson & Rose, 2021). The ability to be oneself in at least one relationship profoundly reduces psychological stress and enhances self-worth.
Facing the Fears of Unmasking
Yet, unmasking is daunting. I constantly fear being misunderstood, judged, labeled as "too much," or even pathologized. These fears persistently whisper, urging me to hide parts of my identity, stifling authenticity.
Studies echo this fear, noting how often neurospicy adults worry about stigma and discrimination, making them hesitant to reveal their true selves, even to those closest to them (Cage & Troxell-Whitman, 2019).
Embracing Growth Through Unmasking
Despite fears, embracing my authentic self has profoundly improved my life. I've learned that people's reactions to my true self reflect their perspectives, not my worth. As I grew comfortable unmasking, I became a better friend, a more empathetic leader, and a person who intentionally fosters psychological safety for others.
"What I've learned is I can be myself, and people can accept me or not—and that's okay," I realized. "If they don't accept me, that's more about them than me." This insight liberated me from needing external validation, significantly boosting my emotional resilience and self-confidence.
Continuing the Journey
Unmasking is ongoing. It's neither linear nor easy, but every authentic moment strengthens my sense of self. My experiences remind me that while masking offers temporary protection, authenticity leads to lasting growth and genuine connection.
We’d love to hear your stories 📬. What challenges have you faced? What strategies have worked for you? Let’s keep this conversation going 💬 and support each other on this journey 🚶. You can email us at askmcphee@gmail.com 📩 to share your thoughts and experiences ✍️.
References
Hull, L., Petrides, K. V., & Mandy, W. (2017). "The female autism phenotype and camouflaging: a narrative review." Review Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 4(1), 51-59.
Mandy, W. (2019). "Social camouflaging in autism: is it time to lose the mask?" Autism, 23(8), 1879-1881.
Pearson, A., & Rose, K. (2021). "Safe spaces: Creating psychologically safe environments for autistic individuals." Journal of Autism Studies, 48(3), 223-234.
Cage, E., & Troxell-Whitman, Z. (2019). "Understanding the reasons, contexts, and costs of camouflaging for autistic adults." Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 49(5), 1899-1911.